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Hi Brain Dancer,

Just wanted to drop you a quick note to let you know how much I
enjoyed reading your alternately hilarious and sobering blog.

I founded __________ about five years ago because I had a wonderful
experience with online dating and thought I could put together an
easier to use system. I think I’ve made progress, but there’s still
a lot of work to do.

People regularly send me cute and heartwarming notes about getting
married to someone who met on _________, so for some people, it works.

Being able to see things from the inside also makes me aware that
there are a lot of people who find it impersonal, exasperating, and
ultimately shallow.

Ultimately, I am sanguine. This thing is still in it’s infancy and
people are still struggling to figure out how to do it. This is true
for both service providers and users.

Your observations surprised me though. Is it really that difficult
for an intelligent, articulate, successful (terminally 39) woman to
find a great man? Or are you exercising your prodigious writing
talent to tap into the groundswell of frustration and anger about the
state of dating and relationships today?

With the current ratio of men to women online, and the apparent
dearth of people who can string a couple of coherent sentences
together, it would seem that you are in the catbird’s seat.

Best,

Chris

Dear Chris,

Thank you for your well written and articulate post and your compliments. I love to see the reaction of others out there to my observations. I am usually an optimist, but I really do think that online dating has changed our relationships for the worse.

I can’t believe that my failure to JUST FIND A BOYFRIEND (let alone a life partner or someone to marry) after two years of dating, after at least 100 dates (to men I met both out there in the real world and on here in the fantasy cyber world) … I can’t believe it’s because I’m not desirable. Or that I’m “too picky.” Or that I’m “too old.” I really think the Internet is to blame. (By the way, a year after I started this blog, and stopped Internet dating, I did meet a lot of really great men, and have been dating someone amazing, who I met slowly, over time, the old fashioned way, while dancing in a community of friends.)

Back in the “old days” I always had a boyfriend. A boyfriend. I wasn’t expecting the world — just someone to do things with on the weekend. Someone to walk with. Go to parties with. Go to concerts with. Hang out with.

Back then, a 45 year old man didn’t dream of trying to date a 25 year old. (Now, with online dating offering so many choices, it’s de rigeur…men my age won’t even think of dating a woman their own age. They all first lie about their age, and then they dial down their age requirement to 10-15 years younger.)

Back then, a man that much older than me probably never would have crossed my path — not at a party or a social event. But the Internet gives these guys access to younger women, beautiful women, blondes, brunettes, redheads, rubenesques, BBWs and petites — and they think they can just order up what they want. Online dating reduces us all to a product offering. Choose your size, hair color, eye color, age, height! It’s just like Costco!

It seems that now unless you are 100% PERFECT and meet a laundry list of requirements a date won’t “waste their time” with you, even just to date casually. It seems that back when there weren’t so many options, when dates were rare and precious, we took them seriously. And we expected less.

This HOLY GRAIL, Hefty Bag, Costco wholesale approach to dating makes us all ultimately lonelier.

Do I sound bitter and disillusioned? Yes. And yet I keep submitting myself to the ongoing process of mutual rejection. I kept believing that it would happen, and when I abandoned online dating and spent more time doing what I love in the real world, it did start to happen.

If I just click one more time…

I agree that there is a groundswell of frustration and anger … and when I started Braindancing, I thought I was the only one who noticed it. I have since discovered dozens of blogs about dating and its discontents. In a way this makes me feel better — at least I’m not alone. But what can we all do to change the situation and make it better?

BrainDancer

Tag: match.com

I just can’t sop thinking about the E-harmony.com couples–they have 29 dimensions of compatibility!  Last week I nearly blew out all my brain circuits coming up with ten possible things a couple could ever agree upon.  I’m going to take a shot at the 19 that are left.

We each agree…

1. To share equally in doing none of the chores we promise to.

2. The neat partner will wait two years before killing the sloppy one.

3. If only one of us believes in UFOs, worldwide conspiracy theories and that September 11th was without a doubt an inside job caused by Dick Cheney throwing an exploding paper plane into the World Trade Center–our relationship just isn’t going to work  4. Nicknames for body parts are never revealed even under government sponsored torture.5. No ferret ever sleeps in our bed.6. When in-laws, or potential in-laws, call the non-related spouse gets only 30 seconds to sneak out of the house to avoid the call.

7. If the woman starts to grow a mustache and the man starts to grow boobs there is a subtle gender swap going on and its got to stop!

8. It is a law of nature: No matter who wins the fight the man loses the bed.

9. It is another law of nature: “Male pattern” baldness triggers “Female pattern” butt growth.

10. The last one out the door leaves the oven on. 

11. Neither of us will ever say “Oops, I thought you had the birth control covered this time.”

12. A vasectomy is never a good surprise to wake up to. 13. Faking ED is not an excuse to get back to watching the game.14. Designer stubble is just for the man.15. After ten years of marriage a kiss on the forehead is close enough to the lips for each of us.

16. Getting your stomach stapled is the new doing 15 minutes of crunches a day.

17. Leaving a tortilla with melted cheese in it on the counter over night so a rat gets stuck on it does not constitute making a breakfast burrito for the one you love.  

18.Charity begins at home–especially on the days you get away with lifting a $20.00 from your partners wallet or purse.

19. Which ever partner forces the other to go to a “Christian Rock” concert pays for the divorce.

Tag: eharmony

Christian dating service and the Christian marriage counseling. And the latest to hit the list is the Christian debt consolidation program. It is important for Christians out there to be critical of these debt consolidation services since it is possible that some of these companies are masking horrible business practices with the name Christian debt consolidation program plastered all over them. It is natural for Christians to be immediately attracted to these types of debt consolidation services because they give the impression of being more honest and more ethical then their secular counterpart.

So the mission here would be to try and figure out what makes a Christian debt consolidation program different from the traditional service and how to spot the authentically good Christian services. What you are looking for in a great Christian debt consolidation program is the reduction of debt by a certain percentage, help with interest and late fees, the option of making one payment per month and most importantly that the company and the people working for it live by the tenets that God has given them on how to reduce debt.

Of course the least that you expect is that the company tries to promote the same believes that you hold dearly and this will help in creating a sense of security in allowing the company into your financial life. Lastly and most importantly, ask people that frequent your place of worship on what their experience has been using a Christian debt consolidation program and they might be able to connect you with a reputable firm. Remember, a lot of people will try to fool you by calling themselves Christians when they are really wolves, so do your homework and lets pray that God blesses your finances.

tag: christian dating



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