The Professor

Submitted by C.A.J.

I went on a second date with a guy whom I shall refer to as “The Professor” because he is an actual professor and because he is so insignificant to me that I have already forgotten his name less than one month after our second date.

The Professor had been the perfect gentleman on date #1. He asked thoughtful questions, he opened doors, he walked me home, etc. , so I decided that he deserved a date #2. On date #2, however, The Professor stopped behaving like a gentleman and started acting like a complete creepster.

The Professor and I started the night off at a wine bar, and the date had gotten off to a hectic start because my power went out as I was looking up directions to our restaurant, so I showed up slightly late and with wet hair (since I couldn’t use my blow dryer either). During dinner, he kindly offered to help me get my power back on at the end of the night, and I accepted.

The evening proceeded, and I started to get slightly creeped out because The Professor started asking overly sexual questions and making filthy jokes, such as “What’s your favorite sexual position?” and “If you came to my office hours, I’d bend you over my desk and spank you.” These remarks should have been red flags, but I was drunk at this point and laughed them off. Also, I really wanted someone to turn my power back on.

We then went to my house so that he could do whatever it was he needed to do with my fuse box so that I could continue living a life full of light and internet access. The Professor fiddled around in my garage, and we returned to my room so that I could test my power and internet. I opened up my computer to see if everything was working, and when I turned around, The Professor was standing before me UNCLOTHED. Somehow, in the 4 seconds that I had my back turned, The Professor had QUICKLY and SILENTLY removed all of his clothing save his boxer briefs. I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing in his earnest face because it was the most desperate, weird, and shocking thing I had ever witnessed. He then tried to put the moves on me, but I was so creeped out that I, of course, didn’t even want him touching me. I really just wanted him to leave, so I had to actually say to him, “I think it’s really weird how you took your clothes off while my back was turned. Could you please put your clothes back on and leave?” Thankfully, he accommodated my requests and was out the door within minutes.

Needless to say, there was no date #3.

LESSONS invite someone to your place at the beginning of the date. There’s still too much time for things to turn awkward, and then you’ll be stuck having to figure out how to uninvite them to your place.